Surviving

i found this article on how to survive a break up and thought it very interesting as i have experienced the emotions and feelings that is described in the article, so i thought i would share this with others as they could be going through something similar and maybe have no one to speak to. But i wanted them to know what they are feeling and experiencing, we all, or anyone who has gone through this, will have had some of, if not these same feelings.

i feel she describes everything so well. it is a bit long,but i am unsure how to link things to articles etc, (not techi that way) but it is worth reading.

How To Survive A Breakup In A BDSM Relationship
By Dorothy Hayden

THE BREAKUP
Submissives in the throes of a breakup with their dominant often ask me if I think the pain of relationship breakup is different from "vanilla" relationship breakups and how they can make sense of the feelings of horrific loss, confusion, anger and disorientation that they feel.

First of all, I think the dynamics of Ds relationships are very different from "vanilla" relationships. Different dynamics give rise to different feelings about relationship loss.

For the submissive individual, the bond of relationship is everything. Being a bottom offers fulfillment by enabling the submissive to feel merged with another human being. The bond to the dom is an intense one, giving meaning, value, fulfillment and a sense of identity through the activities of serving and pleasing. For some dominants, however, an intimate bond is harder to achieve, as he/she sometimes treats the partner almost as a nonentity. A slave, after all, is a nonexistent person to the dom in whose eyes the sub may have less and less to offer. As a result, the dom often loses interest quickly and consequently tends to want to change partners more frequently to achieve the conquest of having a new slave (who sometimes is more of an object than a person).

After all, it is control and admiration that motivates many doms, rather than commitment to growth, exploration and stability in one relationship.

Being a submissive often involves a certain disavowal of self. The self ceases to be a decision-maker or a person capable of exerting initiative while in the relationship. Moreover, the normal identity of the individual is suspended in the process of serving the dominant. Being submissive helps a person to make sense of his life in certain ways: it answers the need for purpose in life, and for a sense of efficacy or feeling that one does have control over one's environment (through pleasing the dominant). The Ds relationship also addresses the bottom's need for feeling that one's life and actions are right and good. The dom's will is an end in itself, an ultimate value for her/his slave.

The submissive also receives a sense of self-worth from his/her relationship to her master/mistress. People need to feel that they are important and valuable. Serving is a way of receiving validation and approval by one who is seen as perfect and omnipotent. And when the one who is seen as perfect deems the submissive as unworthy, the emotional result can be devastating.

The break up thus deprives the submissive of the opportunity for feeling competent; undermines the individual's self worth achieved through being a good slave to an esteemed master; and reestablishes the submissive's (often unwanted) necessity of making choices and taking responsibility from which he/she was sheltered while in the relationship. Now, suddenly, difficult judgments about what is right or wrong to do must be made on one's own. The wishes and commands of the dominant partner have been the ultimate source of rightness and goodness for the masochist's feelings. The demands to make decisions, to accept responsibility, to cope with pressure and crises, to prove of identity is shaken by the breakup of a B&D relationship. For the submissive, the correct course of action had always been to please, satisfy and obey the dominant partner. The relationship to the dominant partner thus had taken over as the major value base for the submissive.

Relationship is extremely important to submissives; more so than to their dominant partners, and even more important than sexual activities. All problems of right and wrong had been resolved for the submissive and the anxiety and guilt and doubt that accompany such moral dilemmas had been removed. The submissive needed only submit and obey in delightful dependence.

Finally, the submissive gains a powerful and seemingly viable model of fulfillment in the relationship. The submissive achieves the utmost in intimacy by blending him or herself completely with the partner's will. The submissive also derives strong sexual satisfactions. Thus sexually, emotionally, and spiritually, submission provides intense fulfillment.

What happens when the relationship is over? When the dom leaves, the ultimate source of direction, feelings of competency, self-worth and meaning is gone. The result can be psychologically devastating. Especially when it is not her/his choice, the submissive feels frightened, angry, confused, depressed and overwhelmed.

THE GRIEVING PERIOD
Dealing with relationship break-up is dealing with a phenomenon that is a part of our common human heritage: loss. Especially if the relationship was long-term and sometimes even when it wasn't, the same mechanisms of mourning over that which is lost kick into place. You may mourn the loss of your companion, your lover, your protector, your provider. You may mourn no longer being a part of a pair. And if your life has been lived entirely through your dominant, and the person through whom you lived is no longer there, you may mourn the shattering loss of a whole way of life. Some submissives may mourn the loss of the purpose of their existence. And some, whose sense of self was built upon the dom's approving, validating presence, may find that they are also mourning the loss of that self.

Knowing what to expect in the mourning process may be helpful in knowing that what you're experiencing is what most people go through when they lose someone they love. Knowing that others have gone through it is to know that you're not alone.

How we mourn will depend on our inner strengths and our outer supports and will surely depend on our prior history of love and loss. Often a relationship loss in the present kicks off feelings of unresolved prior losses. Sometimes the loss of someone we love revives our childhood fears of abandonment, the ancient anguish of being little and left. Submissives, especially, who have always related to the dominant as a parental authority figure, are often flooded with intense feelings of fear, rage and abandonment that are residues from childhood traumas..

Generally, the stages of grief are: denial, anger, guilt, acceptance and adaptation. Some disbelief, some denial is a common first reaction. Especially if you didn't see the breakup coming, you may feel like you're in a numbed out state, unable to comprehend what you're hearing. You may spend some time thinking he/she doesn't/couldn't mean it, or thinking they'll come to their senses sooner or later. As the reality sets in, anger is a common next reaction. You hate him or her for abandoning you, especially after you've invested so much of yourself in serving and pleasing . Somehow, in your mind, pleasing them perfectly would ensure that they would always protect and guide you. Now they've betrayed the bond. You feel vulnerable, betrayed, enraged.

Often, guilt and self-recrimination take over. The dom, the ultimate source of good judgement, knowledge and power, must have made the right decision. You feel you must be unworthy. So, of course, you blame yourself. What did I do to drive them away? Could I have been a better slave? Did I not please them? Am I unworthy of their attention? Did they leave for another slave? How is that person able to please where I was not? These feelings are a normal part of this type of relationship mourning.

But, as there is an end to the relationship, there is also an end to the grieving of the relationship. You move your way from shock, denial, anger, and guilt to the completion of the mourning. And although there still will be times when you miss your master/mistress, completion means recovery, acceptance and adaptation.

You'll recover your stability, your energy, your hopefulness, your capacity to enjoy life and to invest in other relationships. You'll accept that the relationship is over - and be a wholer and wiser person for it.

HELP FOR HEALING
If the process of recovering from the loss of your master/mistress seems too awful to contemplate, I've included some tips to recovering from the loss of a love to make the journey a bit smoother.


The tendency will be to blame yourself, because, after all, the dom is always right. Resist the temptation. Doms may need new models for all sorts of their own reasons which my include, believe it or not, their own shortcomings. So be very gentle with yourself - kind, forgiving, tender. Accept that you have an emotional wound, that it is debilitating, and that it will take a while before you are completely well. And for heaven's sake, don't blame yourself for any "mistakes" (real or imagined) that you think brought you this loss.

Get lots of rest, eat well, exercise, remember to take deep breaths, meditate, under-indulge in addictive substances (they retard the mourning process).

Go to your support group (or discover one) and get lots of comfort from people who have gone through similar scenes. People who have survived similar losses can provide support and guidance - and are proof that you too will survive. Stay close to friends and family. Get lots of hugs. Don't forget to laugh. The telephone is a great tool for support. Use it.

The longing to serve may be overwhelming. Don't make the mistake of getting into another situation until you have completed this grieving process. The result could be "rebound" and you won't be making solid decisions. You don't want to create more pain for yourself. Make sure that you're next relationship isn't a reaction from the former one.

Expect to feel afraid. You've been abandoned. The bond, the tie that held you together has been disrupted. You will fear being alone, fear that you'll never have someone to serve again, fear the pain, the desolation and torment that may lie ahead. But remember, fear can help you meet the challenges of life - and it will pass.

Embrace your feelings - its OK to feel depressed, suicidal (feel, not act), angry, guilty, desperate, alone, homicidal. There feelings are a natural part of the healing process. They mean you've loved. And again, they will pass.

When you can, forgive your dom. Don't do it for him/her. Do it for your own peace of mind and the quality of your future relationships.

And finally, begin anew. Let go of the loss and the pain, know that you are a stronger person, have the courage to begin relating again, and know that you are a better person for having loved.

Favourite Time

i was wanting to know do you have a favour day, time and if so why.

For me my favourite day is Sunday, early evening, it is during this time that i make time for myself, i take myself out of the way, and its my time. i kneel and focus on my mantra just to add to the ambience and get lost in my submission. This is also the time that i write my Reflection for Sir, on how my task went during the week, how i felt undertaking it, what my concerns or fears were, what i enjoyed most about it. Then its always lovely to receive Sir's comments on what i have written. Writing my reflection has also enabled me to express myself more. i love my time, its important to me and i just love my Sundays. So do any of my readers have a favourite day or time?

Reflection on my Slut Task

As some of my readers know i am being Mentored and Trained by a wonderful Master and have been undertaking tasks for Him. One of these tasks which i undertook last week was to be a slut for Him for the whole week. Well, what can i say dear readers, my eyes stood out when i read what my task was to be, this was a shock to me, so unexpected (i should know better….lol…Sir can be deliciously wicked at times…lol) i had never been asked to do anything like that before. How did i feel when i read what was being asked of me, i felt shock, panic, excitement, anticipation. Questions flooded my mind, how on earth could i be a slut, its not in my nature!!! What would i be expected to do, thoughts and images were whirling around my head. How would a slut act. After I calmed down..lol i thought about the task ahead, then i emailed Sir with all my questions...lol. Of course He put me at ease right away, and said 'less is more' and gave me suggestions on how i would carry out my task, i was thankful for these.

My task was to start on the Tuesday. i awoke early that morning, full of excitement, planning on what to wear to make myself feel sluttish. i decided on this and how i would interact with strangers, i was so nervous about this because i dont usually make eye contact with people that i pass. i put extra make up on, making my eyes darker and wearing brighter lipstick and off i went. But as i left the house purposely leaving the top button on my shirt open so that my breast was exposed more than usual i felt a weird sense of confidence, i knew i was going to do this, and it worked, i got looks from men as i stood at the bus stop, infact second glances, men were polite to me, allowing me to go in front of them but secretly looking down my shirt, i purposely moved in any way i could to expose my breast even further and do you know what, i loved it, a strange sense of power came over me. i looked forward to walking to the bus every day and through the city to get to work, i walked with a purpose and i ‘worked it’ (…think of Pretty Woman girlies when we first see Julia Roberts on the street, well not necessarily dressed that way!!!...lol)

i done quite a few things that week, both at home and work, things that i wouldn't have done myself, nor thought of, but my mind was like a little minx, thinking what i could get up to next, what i could do to myself, what i could watch. On another occasion I had put sexy lingerie on and set off on my purposeful trip to work but while I was in work I still didn’t feel slutty enough even though the top I was wearing was showing off my cleavage to the max, so I went to the toilets and removed a certain piece of my underwear which automatically heightened my excitement as well as my arousal and i could now feel the material of my trousers rubbing against me!!! How delicious that felt and how slutty I felt walking around in work the whole day with no panties on. i was making eye contact with strange men and holding their eye contact throughout the week. i walked differently, i exaggerated my hip movement, i purposely stroke my hair and along the top of whatever i was wearing as if stroking my breast!! This was not me....lol. But i grew into the role of a slut as well as growing in confidence every day. Was the power of me being a slut for Sir going to my head!!!!...lol . When Sir and i were exchanging emails (although I was not to tell Him anything about how I was completing my task until the end of the week) i told Him how much i was enjoying this, i found it delicious and sexy, salacious and decadent and He asked if it was the submissive in me or was the slut in me enjoying it more, i told Him that i found the slut in me was taking over at times...lol. Sir added to my task by sending me emails throughout my day, telling me i was His salacious little slut, oh how i loved hearing those words, an intense sense of arousal that went through me at those times because it was being verbalized to me. i was thinking of things that would add to my slut nature that was growing more and more as the week progressed and I came up with some exciting ideas to show Him that i wanted to be the perfect slut for Him.

A task i thought that i would never be able to complete, i enjoyed and secretly wish to do again. i loved it, i loved the intenseness of the task, the feeling of arousal i had all week from it, the freedom and release to express my sexual feelings, i felt sexy, sensual, deliciously aroused all at the same time. To try and put the intense feelings I had felt all week is difficult to describe and doesn’t do the task justice because I feel you would need to do it for real then you will know. Now this may be tame for some of my readers but to me it was something that wasn’t within my comfort zone to do, i am not one to put myself out there to be noticed, but oh what power a sub/slut can wield!!!!

i was proud and honored to be Sir’s slut for the week and maybe He will let me be his slut again for him ~smiles wickedly~ to Sir.

Fulfilment

A question that i would like to throw out.

Do you feel your wants and needs as submissive are being fulfilled?? and if not what steps would you take to ensure they would be.

Personally for me i can say without a word of doubt that mine are being met whole heartedly. Thank you and ~smiles at Sir~

Hard Limits

i have been reading blogs and i asked myself how far i would let a Dominant push me to prove my worthiness to him and i have come to the conclusion that if i wasnt comfortable in completing what he asked me to do i would refuse. Does this make me more less of a submissive because i didnt follow through with what he required. If he tried to say use emotional blackmail e.g. 'you would do this if you wanted to prove your love for me', would you still have the same respect for him, would it damage your relationship?, would it damage you emotionally? Would you feel safe playing with him again. Do you feel its right that your safety is put at risk but still you go through with it anyhow because you want to please him so much?

Is it not important to remain true to yourself, your beliefs and your limits? You would advise another do not put themselves in harms way but yet you put yourself in harms way because you think a true submissive would do this. You know its not true, so why go through with it?

Dont get me wrong i know its part of the lifestyle to push ones limits and you rely on the Dominant so much to make sure you stay within the safety those limits, but what about the Dominants who go that little bit further and go beyond this, you know what they ask of you is wrong but yet you still go through with it because they have asked for proof of your devotion to them. WRONG!!!!

So think about what has been asked of you, think about yourself, your safety, your health and most of all your emotional state when asked to undertake a 'hard limit'

Master

A mediocre Master tells, a good Master teaches, an excellent Master explains, but a True Master inspires -- Anonymous

Thank you Sir. You are inspiring me ~smiling~